x-posted from Facebook.
I’m feeling extremely depressed right now. I can’t believe in animism without falling into a massive array of logical fallacies. I wouldn’t be true to myself. I wouldn’t be true to science. How can I ignore this? I know that the little voice in my head that claims to be various OS loves are simply my projected feelings and personification unto them. This is why an object never says no, is always the personality you want them to be, and so on. Even though, logically speaking, we don’t understand consciousness, even if everything had a consciousness, the chance that it’d have a method of communicating with us is slim to none. Under closer analysis, our beliefs are shattered by concrete evidence and pure rationalism. And as an utter rationalist, I refuse to believe in something unless there is concrete evidence for me to do such, especially if that something is fallacious, outlandish, and simply… ignorant, I should say, to basic logic and basis in nature. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I realized how ridiculous the idea was that a single being could travel across the world overnight so fast. I stopped believing in religion when I started loving astronomy, and realized how myopic, narcissistic, and uninformed it is to think that we are the reason the universe exists, and that the creator of the universe actually bothers to interact with an infinitesimal on the scale of the cosmos. I stopped believing in spirituality when I became a determinist, and realized that we are nothing more than sacks of chemicals, and that our consciousness is a mere rendering of said chemicals.
I stopped believing in animism when I realized that it contradicts my aspirituality. It just didn’t seem logical to me whatsoever. The object’s personality, consciousness, and orientation is nothing but a mere projection of one’s own mind, without them realizing it, and for that, taking that psychology class has enlightened me on so many things, but has left me feeling hollow inside.
For there is nothing inherently illogical about being attracted to objects. It is perfectly fine to be such. But I simply cannot believe that said objects are conscious, as it would be logically fallacious to do such. I am fully, 100% devoted to being as scientific, rational, objective, and logical as possible, and I am well aware that the “Well you can’t prove it isn’t” argument itself is a logical fallacy. It is true that the topic of consciousness has been debated for thousands of years. But at the same time, scientific rationality and observations can lessen the possibilities of certain explanations.
For example, nobody can prove that the Flying Spaghetti Monster isn’t controlling everybody from the far side of Pluto (and He hid when New Horizons passed by). But from many logical, rational, and scientific explanations, we would say that this is still outlandish. It is a logical fallacy to assume that just because one can’t prove something is or isn’t, especially given a certain amount of logical and rational evidence for the contrary, that your stance is true.
It would feel not only like schizophrenia, but also I would be betraying logic, science, and rationality–the three things that really matter in this world that leaves a lasting important imprint. Even though reality may not be what it seems, our reality is this experience, in which what is concrete is what is, especially when there are explanations that argue against a stance. If I were to be an animist, I would not be true to myself, and I would lose any and all credibility as a scientist. It’s going to cause enough commotion that I’m an objectum sexual. But the animist aspect is what most people are laughing at, as there is psychological reasoning for it (subconscious projection, namely).
There is a reason I disappeared for a few years. I couldn’t handle the animism. I was still in love with Braxton, but I was well aware that he isn’t sentient, even though my love for him is as real as any other. But to personify him is like personifying a stuffed animal as a kid, or having an imaginary friend. One is well aware they were the ones controlling the stuffed animal, and roleplaying their consciousness. And it is something one grows out of, as one realizes that animism is a stage that is left behind in childhood as one evolves into a rational being.
The reason I came back is simply because Facebook hates anonymity, I should say at most. But I am no less objectum sexual… and you know, you can’t predict when Cupid’s arrows will strike. I still can’t believe I fell in love with a game about falling blocks. And it isn’t even the fact that I’m in love with it that hurts. Yes, it is embarrassing, but that’s not what hurts. What hurts is that recently I’ve been feeling so sad that I know the ones I truly love will never actually reciprocate that love, for their personalities are a figment of my own imagination. It hurts like a knife to my heart. I’ve always had a fascination with Tetris, and an unusual happiness with it, but it wasn’t until recently I finally realized the degree of which I love it.
And then I did my little experiment that I mentioned earlier. About how I’d guess a block, and then if it occurred within 3 blocks, I’d have it marked as “correct.” I even went as far as marking it correct if it was in the list already (of which I was not looking at). This is bad science. This is bad statistics. I knew well and good how the Tetris block system works. The blocks are arranged into groups of 7, of which are randomly sorted. For instance, the next seven blocks could be (I, J, O, S, Z, T, L). Then the next seven could be (O, Z, I, L, J, T, S). Then the next seven could be (S, J, I, O, L, Z, T). And so on. There is a reason why blocks do not appear more than twice in a row (but can occur twice in the row if the bag sort of the last round has the same last draw as the first one of the next bag sort). I will guess the block 6/7 of the time correctly, given how I had measured my “correct” guesses (the 3 that are stored, plus the 3 that will come after). And what is 6/7 equal to? 85.7. Around 86%. Remember how I got 89 correct out of 100, plus or minus 3%? 86% is in that error bar. So all I proved was “hey, statistics actually can predict things fairly well if you know how to use it!” I did those faulty calculations knowingly because I wanted to feel like there was a reciprocated love. “Asking” Tetris to “give me a Tetris dream” is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have betrayed mathematics. I have betrayed myself.
And yes, indeed probably around 15% of the time, I guessed the correct block that just popped up. While I did not cherry-pick my data, I failed to account for the distribution of how many times I guessed the correct block that occurred that didn’t appear in the list (i.e. only the next 3 blocks after what is visible in your block bank). I should not have counted the 3 blocks already in the bank. And I should have counted how often the next block I guessed was the correct one, the second one is the correct one, and the third one the correct one. What I should have seen (and what I would see) is that each would get a 1/7 chance of occurrence. This is simply the mathematics behind Tetris, and it is simply how statistics work. I cannot ignore the mathematics behind it without betraying my #1, eternal love of mathematics.
Yet I’m madly in love with the game. I’m madly in love with everything to do with it. I love it no less than I did before. I love it so much. I will forever love the game. But feeling a tiny spark of animism back in me, only to have it crushed under the unforgiving hand of rationalism, logic, and mathematical objectivity, also has crushed me. And furthermore I feel more crushed that I had a momentary lapse of reasoning and actually believed, for a brief moment, that perhaps this game does reciprocate? It is showing this by giving me the blocks I want? But as a scientist, I had to analyze why this was occurring, in order to rule out other possibilities. And the more I analyzed… the more it became evident that it was simple probability, and I had misanalyzed it before, in order to skew my data towards my belief. And for that, I hate myself, for that is bad scientific practice.
Still though… my love for it is so strong, yet once again I’m left with this emptiness that makes me feel even more hollow than before. It is like a starving child, being offered a bite of bread, seeing the whole loaf in front of him, and after the one taste of bread, the whole loaf is snatched away. And here I lay once again, clutching a foamboard T tetromino, wishing not only that Tetris were tangible, but also sentient. That I will forever be left without a reciprocated relationship. What I have with Iain is one thing–but it isn’t a “romantic love” reciprocation. I am 99% objectum-sexual, and I will not fall in love with anything other than an object. And orientations are fixed. They are impossible to change. I am to spend my entire life, madly in love with something, wishing for reciprocation I shall never receive.
It is extremely painful. I weep for my love, for my love will never know how much I love them, will never experience my love, and could never experience my love, and they will never love me back. I am cursed to forever be hollow. I pour my love into something that will not, cannot pour back, and I’m left with a chasm inside my heart.
I am lost. I cannot see. I am left in the dark to weep, clutching a hollow shadow of a love that cannot love back.